babbling

Monday, October 12, 2009 at 1:10am

too many & too much.

i couldn't help this,
i couldn't handle this, ALONE.
somebody help me!

i need some time to understand
to see future next to me
to see the patch
slowly but sure.

i see there's you
i see there's all of them
but i can't see the way to reach.
somehow,
i need something to prove
to anyone,
that i could be the best in my life.
i could useful for anyone near me.

so can u help me find out?
how to start?
where to begin?

dunia dongeng

 Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 7:46am

"cuma kalimat-kalimat yg ingin keluar setelah puluh tahun lamanya"
silahkan.


Pada akhirnya,
hidup hanya dongeng
tidak ada di alur ceritanya hal-hal yg realistis
absurd, imajinatif, melankolis
yang sampai pada akhirnya
kita semua tahu,
siapa diri kita sebenarnya.

dia bukan sinetron
dia adalah dongeng
yang sering dibacakan oleh ibu pada anaknya sebelum tidur
yang sering dikhayalkan oleh pasangan yang sedang kasmaran
yang sering dipertanyakan keajaibannya

tapi inilah hidup,
apa yang bisa kita lakukan selain kita ikhlas
selain kita tersenyum
selain kita tertawa

karena dongeng,
tidak pernah memberikan kesedihan

dia membawa kita bermimpi indah
menggiring pemujanya kedunia imajinasi tanpa batas
dia membawa semangat kedalam kehidupan
membuat kita mau mencapai segala yang kita mimpi-mimpikan
dia membawa garis tawa
membaginya untuk kesenangan orang-orang yang mendengarnya
dan dia penuh dengan cinta,
maaf dan ketulusan.

karena sekali lagi,
dongeng tidak pernah memberikan kesedihan.

always, you

Saturday, September 19, 2009 at 11:06am

someone, someone
it is time for you to go
it is time for me to let you go
it is time for us to see
it is time for us to hear
destiny
nature
faith
GOD.
we're just never meant to be
even in an easiest way, as friends.


NO.

it is too late for us
our time has passed by
game over!

now,
let we begin a normal life
see the bright sight
we were there, in one frame
we were there, talking and laughing
we were there, hugging
we were there, walking out the night
carrying hopes that will never fades in our tiny deep little heart

we just don't know which way to go
which way to walk
as you never know, because i'm scared of loosing you somewhere,
i choose.
my man, my future, my everlasting.

BUT

it will be
ALWAYS, YOU.

here. in time. mean time.
gudluck!

i was wrong

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 8:45pm

all the theories, all the stories, all the idealist thought i had was truly force me back at the end.
i will stop searching, i will stop communicating, i will stop.

i just found that being that person is not always safe, i wasn't safe at the end, i was terribly lost somewhere. i thought i found my perfect life, but again, there's no perfect. there will be NO perfect.

i cannot accept but i still try to fix it. but yes, i'm dying to accept someone's excuse.
and yes it broke my heart. all i think before is about trust, about pure, about love, about life, about future, but in one second, it's all running away from me. my fault.

i kept trust my self to NEVER trust anybody. but i was in a big crush, and i forget. and now i realize that never leave MYSELF alone. never. never! i meant it.
guys don't leave your heart alone.

i'm still with you, but honestly i feel you as a stranger. i'm so sorry. just hoping it will getting better soon and just like nothing is WRONG.

but then, i'm trying to look cool, to look fine, to fix my heart and to keep move on.
and one thing i learned today is :
"There's no pure happiness in this world, same as there's nothing called perfect. That's reality".
and broken heart is not fine.

believing is harder than running one day

Monday, June 29, 2009 at 10:35am

there was a time that we all happier than ever, sometimes the more we happy, the more we forget the truth, the realistic world, the logic mind, the faithful heart and lose control in ourselves. why?

on me, the case is not that simple.
tonight, someone convincing me, that he really serious and take a chance on me, but why he would do that if we just meet a couples month ago? and why would i trusted all of his line came out from his complicated mind? and why would it makes me believe to take a chance on him too? and why would God meet me with this kind of -unknown- person that his life is even not in my scale and my radar?

one time, i believe that i will trust, that i will spend the rest of my life, i will share all the mind, i will flash our future with dreams that we'd talked. but every time i read someone's else notes, with the line of turning point, it makes me realized something, that they have a faith that those turning point will come and gone. and i do understand that.... "who the hell are u, Dee?"

i came to mirror, and i saw so many different things that maybe i could not fit to.
our world has come too way far until i lost mine. and when sometimes you are gone, i lost my track.
and asking my self, what should i do? which one should i believe?

i really want to believe, until sometimes i cannot sleep, i cannot eat, i cannot think, i cannot smile, i often cry, i sudden lost faith in you. it is really hard to see the beautiful moment we shared even just for a couple of months. but yes, there was you and me doing something worthed every second in our life.

but say yes too, to the phase of turning point that will come to us anytime soon that we will hated each other or maybe we will ruined the relationship. and sometimes, when i believe it will end with a wrong way or i felt not so good, it comes to real. and i hated it. i hate the way i think, it was like God listen to all the bad things that i ever think of.

so God please, don't listen to this shit. it just my thought or destiny, again?
and you, please, don't ever fake your self just for convince me. i don't like liars.

containt 100% absurd

Monday, June 8, 2009 at 10:05pm

i feel weird today.
when i wrote this, i need to listen to the strangest sound but beautiful and honest.
so i pick -trespassers william : fragment-

and i start to listen to my self.
to the depth of volcanoes mountain, and there is a peace i found.
that can brought me a question about happiness,
follow me with the answers and drop me in like in a far far away coffee shop in the state that i never be able to stand before.
i walked in, and there's so many new faces that look at me like they never seen a creatures with two eyes, one nose and one mouth that just look alike them before.
how could?

i believe in reincarnation,
i believe that we died and move on to another planet and begin a good life.
learning by a mistake and try to built a new whole life without asking a permission to the past life.
and there, God is fair. if God did.
the poor become rich, the rich become poor.
the weak become strong and strong become weak.
and so on.
with one face. and so why we had that called 'de ja vu'.

i believe in universe,
i believe that we rotate, we breath, we have dimension and earth is not a lonely planet.
it has a friends, but somewhere with living creatures that we never seen before.
alien? i don't know.
why don't we called our human race as an alien in the point of view of aliens themselves?
we just ego.

i believe in what we called intuition.
it is a place where we start to believes in our self, believe that we could make something to remember. and make others cry.
i don't give a shit too much in technology.
but i use it as additional 'happiness'.

i believe in sounds.
i believe it as a history, a mystical adventures, an unseen period, an untouchable feelings.
and a liar to our self.
when sounds could camouflage our sadness, could pretend our smile, could manipulate out our thoughts and could give us a mystery about ideas.

i believe in drawings.
i believe it as something behind our dream, a part of our body that could spoke, a part of our loneliness soul and a bit of passions.
it is our mirror.

i believe in sky.
i believe it gives me a faith to pass the days, it make easier to let something bad gone,
it make a chance to us, to see morning pass to afternoon until the moon is walking by.
it make me believe that tomorrow will be better than today.

and
i believe in myself.
the one that could ever, EVER, known me better than anyone in my life time.
she would be the luckiest, she could be the worst.
but i cannot lie to her, i can only tell my whole story to her, and i believe that she will reply me.
she is a good writer, she is a good brainwash, she is a good pretender, she is a God to myself.
i cannot denied i fell in love with her everyday, i slept with her since i was born and i will die beside her someday.
she makes me believe in anything. but she filtered me with a good debate about what should i believe and what not.
she gives me a choices, a chances and an option about where should i lay my head on.
she pull me and push me everywhere, but she spying me. she take care of me so i could not fall down too hard.
she wipes my tears and gives me wise words to running my days.
she just win anything on me.
i rely on her.
she is the reasons i still breath and not to took a knife to cut my veins.
she never said no, she never said to me that i made a mistake, she never throw a fault on me.
she let me learning by doing and so learning by mistakes.

how could God create such a human?
how could God endorsed us with a brain and the thoughts and all the mystery that we couldn't ever think of?
we think something about limit, but there's no limit.
and again it just a tricks.
a puzzle that we should stick on until it finish,
and then we died. and no air will enter our nose, keeping our heart beating and there's no pulse.
how can God create that?

AND WHY WE HAVE TO DOUBT OURSELVES ?
it is our own savior.

saya untuk kamu

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 3:36am

*
sebuah kolase perasaan yang slama ini berserakan,
dari mulai awal ini semua berjalan hingga skarang ber-jawaban,
walau tidak pernah pasti,
tapi saya tetap bertanya.
enjoy!

*



siapa saya untuk kamu?
apa saya untuk kamu?
mengapa saya untuk kamu?

kamu tepat dibelakang saya,
saya bisa merasakannya,
tapi tidak bisa melihat mata kamu,
mata : dimana visual yang tidak pernah berbohong.
dan saya mau tahu, apakah kamu berbohong?

atas semua ini?
semua yang sudah kita jalani gerilya belakangan ini.
atas semua ini?
perasaan yang kita bohongi bersama-sama belakangan ini.
atas semua ini?
orang-orang yang kita sakiti belakangan ini.
atas semua ini?
perasaan yang tidak pernah kita tahu dimana letaknya.

disuatu tempat,
disuatu waktu,
disuatu saat,
apa kita pernah memikirkannya?
mengeluh atas egosentris kita?
memperjuangkan yang akhirnya sia-sia?
mempertanyakan pertanyaan yang tidak ada jawabannya?

kita senang, tertawa
tapi sebetulnya sedih, menangis
apa iya ini yang kita cari?
apa ini yang kita doakan selama ini?
apa ini yang kita unggulkan?

bukan ini sayang,
saya untuk kamu.
tapi sebagai pembatas,
membuka buku baru yang brand tintanya bukan nama saya : dee.

tolong,
ini karena kita terlalu terburu-buru.
kamu,
melepaskan hidup kamu begitu saja demi seorang saya, dee,
yang bukan siapa-siapa.
cuma notabene seorang mahasiswi pemalas luar biasa,
no future, no motivation dan tidak dewasa!
buat apa?

ambil kembali dia,
hidup kamu!
ambil kembali dia,
semangat kamu!
ambil kembali dia,
dunia yang mengenal kamu!

jangan sia-siakan,
setiap apa-apa yang pernah kamu tempuh,
setiap detik yang pernah kamu habiskan,
raih kembali.

saya : dee : sia-sia.
bukan sesuatu yang bisa menjadi jawaban atas titik jenuh.

people and poetry

Sunday, April 12, 2009 at 8:45am

*
my last unsatisfaction notes.
again just thoughts.
do your best argument to this one.
cuz maybe i'm not writing any notes again.

*


Nobody respects a poet- they just don't care.
Inciting prejudice upon what we write, calling it 'emotional flair'
and misinterpreting our meanings- labeling our works with one word,
be it 'pretty', 'confusing', 'superb', or even 'absurd'.

No one focuses on the points that we're trying to make-
unnoticed are the tears upon the trails we've had to take.
Visual stimulation and the next quick fix
is what grabs the collective conscience in an iron-clad fist.

The paint for our Picasso lies within vocabulary-
our inspiration? A cigarette, the local library,
the pain of losing someone, rediscovering life-
this can all be used as fodder for the fire that we light
within our minds- we put our very lives out on the line
to elicit a sense of insight to what we've seen in our time,
but no one wants to hear it- they turn a deaf ear
to our outpourings of adoration.
Of hatred.
Of fear.

They don't respect the craft- for example, I could rant

on
with a
line-break style
and you can
still understand
the

point that I'm trying to make- this is art.
For alot of us out there, this is where life starts,
within the word- we find ourselves amidst a pen,
a piece of paper & make use of determination from within.

We don't seek recognition- we're not in it for the fame.
Most of us don't write to get people to know our names,
its our artistic expression- don't lessen that aspect
just because when you read what we write you can't grasp it.

we don't get no respect, but that's okay, because we've got poetry.

Ballads of The Sea & The Sky

Sunday, April 12, 2009 at 8:07am

***

i had this euphoria, worried, happier feelings. and it keep coming to me lately, until i chain the words to this short story. a little bit long from the last post, but different style. this one is more stories that a poem or petitions. :)
so get some key, enter and find your own imagination. fit your feelings and gently look at it.

- have a seat - laid back - put some good music - smile -

ready?


***


<><><><><><><><><><>

Ballads of The sea & The sky

yesterday,
she left 10 msg on his answering machine.

"i dream to be an artist since i was 5"

"what do you want to be since 5?"

"i know you there"

"pick up your phone!"

"honey..."

"i"

"miss"

"you"

"and i'm so in love with you"

"(a sniff and cried)"



<><><><><><><><><><>

for everyday he didn't spend time with her, she taped a post-it to the wall.
until there's no space anymore.
she decides that now she'll stick a post-it note on every day that he does spend with her.
that would save a lot of post-its.

she writes his name on a heart-shaped post-it and sticks on the refrigerator door.
one for the day they met.
she frowns when she can't think of anymore and throws the rest of the post-its in the trash.

------

he wakes up from a nightmare and reaches out into the darkness. his call for reassurance is not answered and he looks around, laughing sadly when he remembers, she's not here anymore.

------

yesterday yesterday,
she woke up, take a bath, swallowing her own body with soap and think, "he used to whine to me, sneaking to bath room and surprisingly killing me".
and she makes some good breakfast, and prepare her stuff while the TV is babbling alone about a bad forecast.

------

he seated on a train, put earphones and track :

Amarantine by Enya
*download! and you know exactly what he feels*

------

yesterday,
she wipes her eyes with a kleenex at the same time the sun dries the dew.
she wanders back inside as neighbours start to wake up and pick up the morning newspaper. she finds herself in the kitchen and tries to pour a glass of orange juice, but suddenly the carton feels so heavy, so, so heavy and the cup slips out of her hand and shatters against linoleum.
she stares and the mess of glass and all she can think is "god, i wanna see him. just wanna see him."
she cuts her finger trying to clean up the mess and sucks on the wound.

suddenly, she decides she can't wait for him too long and decides to go to THE SEA.
she takes a bus to THE SEA and when she's there she hails a taxi to get near river.

before she get there, a huge wind blows, and the forecast was right, it's a bad day to go out.
but she just can't stop.

inhale.. exhale.. inhale.. exhale..
inhale.. exhale..
inhale..
exhale..
i n h a l e..
e x h a l e..
beep.

-------

"hey, SEA, you have to see this! it's a disaster! near your place!"
"what?"
"just look... i think you should take off some days, to take a look around your place buddy!"
"nah, it's ok, i lived suburb near the river, it called THE SEA named after my family"
"really? it's cool, your family owned it?"
"guess so.."
and the reporter keep talking about the disaster, the loss and interviewed the victims, counting on the dead and missing peoples.

-------

yesterday,
before she decides to catch SEA.
she leave a msg to his answering machine.

"if you can't come to me, i come to you. wait for me there."

-------

tonight,
he smokes a cigarette on his balcony, watching the city lights dance on his retinas.
he squints, letting his eyes lose focus until all the lights are just one big blur, a gossamer of red and blue and yellow and orange resting on his eyes.
he inhales another puff of smoke and closes his eyes, and drowns in a memory.

he trails kisses down her spine, stopping rhythmically to kiss every vertebrae. she whispers "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou" as if she just can't say it enough.
he smiles and buries his face in her hair.

"god, you smell good." he says. "what kinda perfume is that?"

she looks down shyly and whispers in a timid manner, "i don't wear perfume."

he smirks, "then it must be you." she suddenly doesn't feel so shy as he breathes in the scent of her again and again like a drug he can't get enough of.

then,

he turns on TV, with a coffee cup and a warm sweater, the announcer babbling too much about what happened on THE SEA.
he didn't see the red beeping on his answering machine. there her.
he laid back until he fall asleep. dreaming something out of he could be imagine. poor little understanding between both of them, makes he sometimes feel guilty, he just want to say sorry, hug her and kiss.
he wakes up, and "god, i miss her.". he put her on phone, but there's no dialtone, and connecting to her answering machine.
he frowns like she frowns when there's no answer.
suddenly, he just go out catch some taxi to her placed, a miles away, he just don't care the billing, he just want to see her.

-------

finally she's home.
sitting on her backyard. smoking and exhale the smokes.
a beautiful dawn and sunshine start to cover her face. cold.
she wear a shirt, a sweater and a long running pants. let her hair free to feel the wind.
breezing. how she can denied life? how can she denied SEA?

-------

door open,
and he just surprise, looking around the place full of people.
black dressed. and looking weird at him. her sister was giving him an unconditional vision,
between anger and sad. and she said,
"Sky is up there, comeback to her birth place, Sky."
"what happened?"
"she tried to reach you to THE SEA, while the tornado's hit that place! where have you been after these years?"

-------

"i dream to meet you, but i was too late"

"i want to be with you"

"yes i am, i just go out town for several days"

"i miss you too.. don't cry please"

finally he answered all the question on answering machine.

and

Sea : "we came together finally. i'm sorry it took too long to meet you. i just got all your msg after i came home from your funeral. will you forgive me?"

Sky : "it's okay, we're here now, we lost our 2 years. we shall pay it now"

Sea : "it count more than 2 years. we lost the rest."

Sky : "why you here?"

Sea : ".... don't ask, you just have to trust that i will be here anytime soon."


-------


she closes her eyes and holds the post-it against her heart, feeling so happy. she smiles, whispering to herself thank you, thank you.
she can't stop the joy and she can't stop the tears, thinking, he finally answered that last message on the answering machine.


*ti amo my man*

years

Sunday, April 5, 2009 at 5:13pm

***

a blurb under your photograph:
looks like Joan Rivers in the morning.
graves in her hands as if she knows that everyone she
touches is going to die.

a post-it note on your back:
kick me. No, really. just kick.

what you said to me, 1889:
according to Freud, let's get this business out of the way.
feel around my hairline with your fingers.
sing Frank Sinatra like the moon is really flyable
and you aren't blueing your blues all over the bed.

how i replied, 1890:
and so we love, stop loving, begin to
notice that our skin is developing
bite marks at every opening.
ouch that's so private!

doctor's notes, five years later, 1895:
patients differ in brain waves.
during Rorschach test,
one patient said HEART, IT'S A HEART and
the other denied there was anything there at all.
it's gone.

what you said to me, again :
according to the doctor's note,
and the patient argumentation,
"it was me to blame of your HEART CANCER.
don't stop to hate me, because when you stop,
you will die, let the revenge lives your struggle.
and let the world share this note".

how i replied, finally :
according to your cynical and self-defense sentences
"i will. but you just poisoning my blood.
and it effects my HEART CANCER.
it was you i can denied, and when i denied,
i breathless, i just want to keep breath to remain you".

this weaker years,
i just stare to the deepest hollow
and it's been a hundred years after
and thirty years after you, men, died.
but i keep denied to breathless
and the HEART CANCER,
just keep grow and grow, but never been worst at all.

***